Do you ever feel like you are in such a weird place in your life that you don’t even know who you are, what you believe, what you want, what you are meant to accomplish in the world…or anything really?
This, I am sad to report, is my current state of mind: absolutely, positively certain of absolutely NOTHING. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a great place to be. I definitely would NOT recommend it even to my worst enemy, which incidentally, I am not even certain about who that is… I suppose it’s a good thing that I don’t dislike anyone enough to grant him/her the worst enemy description, but I digress.
If one were looking for the silver lining, I suppose being absolutely certain about absolutely nothing does open the doorway to a plethora of new findings, new beliefs, new purpose, etc., etc… Blah blah blah. J Unfortunately for me, unless all of these new things miraculously appear when I awake in the morning I have a long and particularly windy road ahead of me.
I’ve been living in Connecticut for seven months now and let me just say, this is NO Florida! We have had four snow storms already this winter and it is freaking cold!! My 14 year old Florida Celica has been slippin and slidin all over the roads, but we’re getting there. J The worst part is, I have yet to be able to snowboard on account of breaking my back! (I fell down the stairs at my new place) L My back has finally healed, however, and as I mentioned above, I have moved out of the ghetto of Hartford to the more suburban area of Southington, Connecticut and I start a new job as a Public Sector Account Executive on Monday at 5:30am, which is a significant promotion for me with Sprint. Things are seemingly looking up for me, yet I still can’t seem to shake these sporadic times of feeling sad, lost and ultimately alone.
Isn’t it amazing how a decision I made back in June of 2007 is directly affecting the start of my 2009?!
In June of 2007 after ending my 10 year stint as a Student Ministry Director for a couple of different PCA churches, I decided to explore a side of myself that I had been fighting against as far back as I can recall. I distinctly remember, my freshman year of high school, begging God on a rather frequent basis to please not let me be Gay!! This dormant fear was brought to the forefront because my best friend, whom I lived with at the time, would come into my room at night after her rendezvous with her boyfriend(s) and tell me all about what had happened and all I could think about was her; how I wanted to be the one doing those things with her. Thus began my pleading with God to not let me be gay! Over and over again I pleaded, from 1991 to 2007 as I encountered more and more of these attractions, which became harder and harder to fight. But, alas, all the years of fighting and praying against it were to no avail. Countless hours of therapy and Christian conferences, directed specifically toward the healing of this issue, again to no avail. A ton of growth and healing took place in other areas in my life via counseling, praying, etc., but my attraction to women never changed. Finally in June of 2007 I gave up the battle and began to explore this other side of myself and in July of 2007 I began to talk with a girl named Drue, who is beautiful, smart, funny and who loves both God and His creation and challenged me in very real ways, which I had never been challenged before. When I would go out with her I would come home finally feeling the way my best friend from high school described feeling after her dates and how all of my friends to come would describe their feelings after spending time with those they were attracted to. After much turmoil, in August of 2007 I decided to begin my first official dating relationship with a female. As you can imagine this caused quite a ruckus within my Christian community, much like I imagine this blog will cause for those of you reading, who were not yet aware of this decision. Nevertheless I wanted to write openly about it so people can hear from me once and for all how I ended up in a lesbian relationship. It was not something shady or shameful. It was simply a conscious decision after leaving my employment with the Church to explore with God another side of myself.
This decision would ultimately end up costing me most everything that mattered to me. I lost my church, my community, my best friends, whom had become my family, and as a result ended up moving to Hartford, Ct. This decision was partly to escape my life and partly to go back to school, but mostly it was to be with Drue as she entered Residency at UCONN. While I do not regret this decision, as I know it was the one I needed to make at the time, this is the very decision that is most directly affecting the start of my 2009. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to look at it, Drue and I officially broke up in October/November of 2008 and I felt like I lost everything because I had already given up so much in order to be in the relationship with her to begin with. I really didn’t know what to do or where to turn. There was really no reason for me to go back to Florida or for me to stay in CT. For the first time I felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere and no matter what decision I made it would not take away the pain or the loss I experienced in 2008. Thankfully, at just the right time, I met a most amazing couple, (Donna and Amy) who’ve been together for 15 years, who love both God and each other in a way in which I just cannot imagine God could be displeased. Donna and Amy, after meeting me only twice, graciously allowed me to move into the first floor of their home as I figure out the answers to some of the above questions. At the same time I found out that I was, in fact, being offered the promotion I mentioned above with Sprint. So all signs clearly began pointing to my remaining in Ct., at least for the time being.
As I enter 2009 I can honestly say I have no idea what the future holds or what all of the answers are to the questions that began this blog. The one thing I have realized as I have gone through the process of writing this blog, however, is that there is at least one thing of which I am absolutely certain and that is that my Savior and my God has not abandoned me in the midst of my pain and uncertainty. He does not see me as some hideous abomination. He merely sees his child, desperately trying to find her way though a very messy, 3 dimensional world, where the answers to the hard questions, if you really look deeply at them, are not black and white. They are multicolored and multidimensional and often very difficult to navigate through. I am absolutely certain that He knows my heart; knows how desperately I’m clinging to my connection to Him and how hard I genuinely am striving to do what’s right and to find a sense of peace in the midst of the complexities of this world. And because I have at least this one thing of which I am certain I can enter 2009 with hope. Hope that all of this pain and all of the loss that I experienced in 2008 had a purpose for me, for my life, for whatever impact I am meant to have on the world. I am looking forward to a year that brings me to a place of healing and rest, but I am also painfully aware that the only way I can find the peace and rest that I am so desperately longing for is to follow the pathway that leads me directly through the pain and the loss. I must go through the fire, if you will, trusting that there is healing and wholeness and love unlike any other on the other side.
i love you
Posted by: juli | August 15, 2009 at 12:00 PM
i forgot your email address dude.
Posted by: me | August 04, 2009 at 09:00 AM
Hey Girl,
I am sorry you are going through such pain and confusion. God has a master plan for you. Continue to seek His face, He is the ONLY one who will not let you down.
You(and all my girls from Crystal River) are in my heart and you always will be. And that will never change.
Love ya,
Jean(Albert)Brandon
Posted by: Jean(Albert)Brandon | March 04, 2009 at 12:08 AM
jen, your willingness to be open about your struggles, desires, pursuits is humbling to me.
rest assured, you are not alone. i hope one day very soon, you're able to feel the freedoms of the open life you've bravely chosen to live.
i hope you'll always struggle against the enslaving shackles of silence and shame. feeling forced to hide who you are is a very lonely and suffocating place to be.
those who wish you to feel ashamed are the ones who have shame to bare themselves. you have nothing to be ashamed of.
i struggle a great deal with my faith. there are times i struggle to believe god even exists. some days, i am sure he does not. other days, i realize my struggle to believe god exists is due in part to my misconception of him, based on the skewered image barers claiming to reflect him and his love.
regardless, i am sure of this: if god does exists, he delights in you.
there will always be those using faith and religion as a shield. they're doing what they believe in their hearts to be right. i can only feel sad for them. they deprive themselves of the opportunity to grow and embrace for the sake of guarding against anything different from them and their comfort levels. such is life i suppose. but i'm glad you've allowed yourself the freedom to know beyond your level of comfort and safety.
i hope a peace that surpasses all understanding fills you and that your gain soon far outweighs your losses.
mourn your losses. your grief is justified and real. then delights in your freedoms and embrace your life.
there is joy in tears. there is healing in a broken heart. there is beauty amongst anguish and sorrow. you will find it.
you are heard and you are not alone. go figure things out so you can tell me and we can both get out of here ;)
you are loved
Posted by: me | February 03, 2009 at 06:19 PM
Let me tell you sompthin sista!!!!!! Everything DOES happen for a reason! Que Sera Sera! Your candor alone is motivation for us all to open our own hearts...to communicate our feelings - negative and positive, and not just react to what the world hands us. Having you in my life has made me a better person, a better communicator, and a more positive person! And that is one thing you can be certain of! Love you!
Posted by: Melissa Westfall | January 15, 2009 at 01:33 PM
My dear friend - you are loved by both our Heavenly Father and me very much. I'm sad to hear about the pain and confusion you've been living with. I pray that the clarity, truth, and love you seek will become yours. In the meantime, know your in my heart and prayers.
Posted by: Hayley Abney | January 12, 2009 at 02:49 AM
Hey girl. I miss you. I have been thinking about you so much lately, wondering how you are doing/ adjusting to your new home. We are in NC, and as I have been adjusting I have thought of you. Know you are still loved by the Berrys, no matter what. We are all on our own unique journeys and working through our authentic christianity. If you ever need to fall someplace familiar, come hang with us. You are always welcome.
Posted by: Amy Berry | January 11, 2009 at 07:32 PM
wow girl...wow...know that you are not alone...i too was recently fighting a bout of feeling like i was just floating along w/no direction...it indeed is NOT a great feeling. what is amazing to me about you, is that you continue to fight...and fight for truth...for the persuit of truth...oh my friend it is hard isnt it...to fight for truth...and (as John Piper puts it in his book, "When I Don't Desire God", to fight for Joy too. Your honesty and transparency is very much appreciated and so helpful for those who care about you to know where you are...really...
Please know that you are still loved...that hasnt changed...and let me say too (albeit chanigng the tone of this post)that I am soooooooooooo super proud and excited for you to start your new position w/Sprint!!! You are a great woman in general...but also an amazing sales person too! :) Congratulations mamasita!
Love you Jen.
Posted by: Christen R | January 07, 2009 at 05:41 PM
Hello Jen,
I want to tell you that I see and hear the struggle you are going through, and I 'm sorry. There is much to say, but this may not be the best way to communicate it! Just know that I am thinking about you and pray that you will find your way through the only Way there is. I love you dearly and I think that you are a beautiful person. I'm sure you still have my cell number if you want to talk :) Alicia
Posted by: Alicia R | January 06, 2009 at 10:53 PM